Relay Racer, focus! Stay your course!

I feel the gradual settling down of my emotions from yesterday, as if I am lying down on the beach as a giant, slow motion wave envelops me. What am I doing here...Since when does a Canadian go to France to get into carpentry...It's backwards..."We here in France think there are more opportunities in Canada"...Who will hire an English speaker in Charente Maritime?...What does it mean for me if Steph takes the job of working at a vinyard making cognac and pineau and raising lamb, when the owner wants to hire someone long-term who will eventually become a business partner...The farm is less than 20km from her parent's house...I realise how painful it can be to have a family scattered all around the world, when I feel attached to them...My mom is brave living all by herself in Toronto, does she sleep well?...I jumped up and left everyone to France to Steph's parent's house...What is the best way to transfer CAD to EUR?...Do I feel comfortable staying at Steph's parent's house in March without earning any money?...It all fades away as I feel the morning's oatmeal breakfast in my body. Ah...yes...nothing is written in stone, and everything is temporary...I can change my circumstances...and I will if I should...I am here, now, on this little path, let's see what comes? Life is long, distances are far, if you pay close attention. No day is the same, no spot is the same, no emotion is invalid...Like a boatman in a rowboat, who can only see things behind him, I will only come to understand the larger context of events in retrospect...hmmmmmmm....calmness...let the others stress out...I will not let that into my body for very long...wipe the chalkboard before writing something new, and write only when necessary, using brevity diligently, don't let the board stay full any longer than it must...Surrender...Stop trying to do and just follow...The questions come only when the emotions are stimulated by stress...The memories the same...The longings for people and places past...When things are in harmony...present...there is just me writing on the laptop on my blog...breathing...burping...tasting the oatmeal (jeez, I digest slowly!)...feeling the stiffness and soreness in my neck...If I want to: "I have lived a worthwhile life, if it ends now, so be it"...but it goes on, how mysterious! How interesting! The heart beats whether I know it or not...The body works and goes on ever-present, whether my consciousness keeps up or tumbles around like a tumbleweed...I am riding this body which is really me... I am all of this...I am recycled material...I am the relay racer carrying this flaming torch to the next racer...I am honoured.

Cheers,
M